Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Okay, look, I'm fackin' emo again and I don't understand why I'm getting my panties in a wad so often but I'm just so peeved at my current social life I don't care if a fackin' car just came by right now and killed me on my way home from school tomorrow.

Look, I'm just bothered with the fact that no one ever asks me to join in anything and it's seriously decreasing my morale by tenfolds and it doesn't help that everyone is talking about whatever and I FEEL LEFT OUT. -summarised version-

And I am inclined to think that nobody wants my presence there and I'm better off rotting in a corner, covered in cobwebs while mumbling to myself and my stuffed black sheep, "Nobody wants me."

Why do I have a social problem anyways? I get along with people just fine on the internet, but in person I'm completely different. Maybe it's because I feel INFERIOR due to the fact that other people have a tonnage more of punk clothes than I do and I'm always crashing in jeans-and-tees. I mean, YEAH, JRockers are like the ultimate jeans-and-tees people in their private lives, but try standing next to people who are all punked out and you're somewhere trying to shrink and/or wishing the floor to swallow you up because you have these huge invisible arrows pointing at you in every direction imaginable which scream, "NORMAL JEANS-AND-TEES PERSON = TOTAL LOSER"

Ye-ah. I guess so. And can I help it that I'm like stuck at home so much and I end up mooching around and doing nothing? No, I can't. Usually, I end up with no mood for anything just by thinking of what other people are doing with their friends. I'm not kidding. I spent Saturday morning as in 12.00am to about 1,30am just sitting there and well, to admit, crying.

Fine, shoot me. I'm emo now. I'm stereotyped. I'm hated because no one loves emokids except other emokids but since there are no emokids I know, I feel horrible.

Sometimes do you wish you could just sleep your problems away? Like, take some shut-eye and then when you wake up, your problems are gone? FAT HOPE.When you awake, the problems are evident as ever.

I'm sick of bottling up all this feelings. I need a friend, a close friend. Actually, it's a very vicious cycle.

I don't have close friends, I bottle up my feelings, I keep this there until I can't take it anymore and when the catharsis finally comes, a myriad of emotions follow, of which angst is the main constituting element. Then at-dah, Emo-me. Wonderful.

But you know what? I think it's better to just numb my screwed up brain so that I don't need to think and I CAN'T think, for that matter, and then I don't have to feel nothin'.

(x-posted to my lj)

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Also, seriously, if you're coming here to bloody tag, don't just do it for the fackin' sake of doing it. I mean, a tagboard isn't some advertising contraption thing, it's for you to give comments. And till now, no more than 5 people have actually bothered to read whatever shit I'm expressing and I'm starting to feel that it's useless to keep a blog.

Hell, even after my emo incident, no one knows that I'm aching terribly inside to just scream out whatever. And I go to school wearing that same mask I force myself to put on, cos NO ONE LOVES EMOKIDS.