Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Gawd. It's been ages since I last updated this stupid blog, 29th May was the last time I posted to be exact. Like I said, everything's mostly in my LJ now; I don't want people to know what I'm feeling lately.

Now, that's not the case. I just wanna go to my dad's office, step into the elevator, press the button to the 25th floor, open the door to the roof and just scream everything out during the lunch hour, making hundreds of office people look up from their dull lives at an unstable teenager with emotional problems.

I'm totally sick of living at the moment. I haven't a clue what to do with my future, what to do at the present, and history is just shit.

You know sometimes you just feel zipping back in time and change everytime single bad thing you've said or done? Yeah, that's exactly how I feel right now. It's just stupid how one small action can escalate into something way beyond my control. I'm feeling very vulnerable lately cos my mind's just too confused and I'm way too distracted trying to sort stuff out and then basically, why I called history shit is because it just keeps repeating itself. For my case, I've been exploited countless of times. Is it because I'm such a weak creature that every other thing tht crosses my path can't help but screw up my brain, rip my heart out and rub dirt in my face?

It's completely RIDICULOUS. What is wrong with ignoring people I dislike? It's nothing remotely murderous. But NOOOO. Some people just have to make such a big deal outta it. And not only that, after all that shit, they treat it like it's nothing? And then they throw it back in your face. Some help they are.

I have serious issues; I am well aware of that. What I don't get is that why do I have to be so terribly NICE at times when I always get HURT in the end. If I can freaking GIVE UP something that I really like for a friend on more than one occasion, I don't see why people can't do the same for me. Or is it just that I'm so easy to manipulate?

I'm through with that. If people don't appreciate my prescence in the community, they don't have any effing need for me there. I don't need the world, the world does not need me. For all I care, I can get over-the-counter stuff, mix them with alcohol and put this pointless misery to an end.

On occasions, I yell my at myself for complicating my life. I'm seriously S-T-U-P-I-D. Stoopeed. For someone so logical, my life doesn't make sense and my train of thought just gets lost somewhere along the way. What's the point of getting L1R5 of 10 when your entire life is just havoc? I mean, my life's not exactly messed up, but everything is tangled up making it SEEM worst than it really is.

You know, I'm extremely possessive; It's part of my nature. You see, if someone keeps taking things that you hold close to your heart and trash them right in front of you, then of course you'll hold on tighter and tighter as time goes by. It's not easy to let go or change. I'm been doing what I've been doing for the past 2 and a half years; I'm not letting go just like that. I'm not gonna change easily; I fear loss.

I wish I had an angel.

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What makes that particular you think that I like being this way? Maybe you should try to change your perspective a bit, instead of sticking up for her all the time. Your reasons are invalid. Unknown to you, you just took everything and gave it one helluva good shake, and now nothing's gonna be the same. I told you, ever so kindly, that I don't like change. But that's exactly what you did: Change everything, when everything was pretty ALRIGHT. How do you expect me to react to this now? You and your new bosom friend are backbone-less, birds of a feather who have just violated my life.

You said it yourself, Humans will never be perfect. Then maybe you should try cutting me some slack too, instead giving pathetic excuses for your friend there all the time. Everyone has their reasons; Psychopaths don't go crazy without an apparent cause.

Why do I say that your excuses are pathetic? She's not the only single-parent child I've met. My grandmother was a single parent, but my mum, aunt and uncle are nothing as selfish as she is. My 4 ex-schoolmates who don't have a father too, they're decent people. They're more sensitive to other people than her. In fact, they're more conscious of how they act. They're careful of what they do, unlike that callous way of hers. She's in constant self-denial. Therefore I do not agree with your statement at all. I've met one too many examples to deem what you have said acceptable.